Encouraging The Chronically Ill Moms In Your Playgroup

by Lisa Copen

Mommy moments come in all forms of days at the park, backyard BBQs, or meetings at the pool. They are a great time to get to know other mothers and share activities as well as advice. But as the number of women who live with chronic illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome and lupus continues to grow, so does the spontaneity of the fun of these mommy moments.

According to the National Fibromyalgia Association, fibromyalgia (FM) experts estimate that about 10 million Americans and approximately 5 percent of the population worldwide live with this disabling condition of FM, one of the fastest growing auto-immune diseases in the USA. When I recently went to my adoptive moms play date group, even within this niche group, three out of the six of us had chronic illnesses. Being aware of they illness symptoms a friend may cope with, and the daily changes in their limitations and abilities, can make a big difference in how much they are willing to be a part of a mom’s group and feel comfortable around other moms who all seem to jump hurdles at the speed of light.

[1]. Find out the best times of day for play-dates or activities. This will vary from season to season (weather and heat can affect it a great deal); and it also is different from one illness to another. For example, for some moms, mornings are good and afternoons are exhausting; for others they aren’t moving or out of PJs before the clock strikes noon.

[2] Be understanding if she has to cancel, rather than bombarding her with guilt. Coping with a chronic illness means that every day is unpredictable. Last week I did nothing other than take a step and my knee locked up for four days. I did all the heat and ice therapies, took extra medication and tried not to complain. But all my plans were cancelled with no advance warning.

[3] Communicate with her that you understand she has some limitations. So ask “How far are you comfortable walking today?” and try to accommodate. A two-block walk to the park may seem like miles for her and the few stairs may be impossible. I won’t even take escalators any more with my poor knees, so take the elevator with her. Don’t run ahead of her, unless you are chasing your kids (or hers!) and understand she may need to sit down on a bench for a few minutes to rest, even after walking just one-hundred feet. Standing can also be hard, so even if the carousel line looks like a ten minute weight, she may need for you to stand in line and then let her jump in at the last minute.

[4] Be polite when asking questions about her illness. For example, ask, “What is your greatest challenge?” Don’t tell her about all the cures you’ve heard for her illness or about the products you sell that could cure her; or about your mother’s aunt’s neighbor who has the same illness but still is able to raise five children and work a full-time job.

[5] Remember that simple things may be difficult for her. For example, if you go to the beach, ask her if she would like to be dropped off while you find a parking spot. Many people are unable to plop down on the ground, so bring a few lawn chairs so she isn’t the only one two feet above everyone else. Sun and heat can bother her so she will need to find shade. Don’t expect her to carry three lawn chairs, a cooler and your fourteen-month old daughter, even though you can carry all that and the dog. You don’t want to make her feel helpless, and she doesn’t want a fuss, but be aware that she may need a few extra considerations.

[6] Don’t presume that she can watch your children diligently, even for five minutes, unless she volunteers. Taking care of kids is exhausting and caring for her own may be draining the little strength she had left. Plus, if your kids are run out into the street, keep in mind that she may not physically be able to sprint after them as fast as you could.

[7] Plan activities that she can be a part of. While you may love your stroller exercise groups, and mommy and me gym classes, these may not be possible for her. Find out what types of things she likes to do and then ask if you can join her for these. Keep the activities under two or three hours; even though you may typically go to the zoo for six hours, understand that she may need to leave earlier than you. Don’t say, “A little more walking may do you some good!”

[8] Lastly, say the words to her that every mom wants to hear: “You are an amazing mom and I don’t know how you do it all. I truly admire your perseverance and strength.”

About the Author:

Download 40 free pages of “Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend” by Lisa Copen when you sign up for HopeNotes chronic illness ezine at Rest Ministries. Lisa is the director of Invisible Illness Awareness Week.