Parenting Advice: When The Other Parent Is Poisonous

by Dr. Noel Swanson

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won’t say anything.

A. Having the mom in jail is a bit unusual, but this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mom and goes to Dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent.

Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.

First of all, give up the idea of any kind of therapy; it is not going to help. You, as an adult and parent can do much better.

There are essentially two different scenarios. The first is similar to our reader’s, in which the ‘other’ parent is, in some way ‘poisonous’. The second is when there is simply a difference of parenting styles between one home and the other. In this article I will just deal with the former.

This kind of parent is, among other things, unreliable. He promises to call or come, but doesn’t show up. This hurts the child deeply because he/she goes through a whole spectrum of feelings, from hope and excitement to disappointment and despair and even guilt.

Often the parent does come and take the child but either ignores the child completely or imposes his/her will on the child. This hurts the child as it gives the impression that he/she is not a priority in the mind of the parent.

An unreliable parent does not only disappoint the child but many times you have to change your plans because the other parent had promised to come and take the child but didn’t turn up.

However, the worst scene is when one parent uses the child as a communication channel to the other parent. In such cases, obviously what the poor child is asked to convey are not nice things. In other cases, the parent spends the entire weekend criticizing the custodial parent, which is quite unpalatable to the child.

All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.

Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery, are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts. They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mom’s complaints.

My advice is: don’t let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

The best you can get, however, is a somewhat clear agreement on the question of visits. You will have a clear idea of the exact date and time of the visit. But you will still have to handle the phone calls during the week and your child in the eventuality when the other parent promises to come but does not show up.

Once you know the broad framework of the weekly schedule, stick to it. Be firm and refuse any deviations from the agreed terms. Do not let the other parent change the times of the visits. If the other parent has agreed to pick up the child at a particular time, then wait only till then and follow your own plans thereon. There is no need to be available whenever he turns up at his convenience.

Keep a record of exactly what happens and when. You will need this when you go back to court. You may also want to seek expert opinions to testify as to the effects of all of this on the child.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don’t have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

If none of this is improving the situation, you may need to go to even more drastic measures, such as moving to a different town or state, so as to make the visits more impractical. But be very careful how you go about this, as you do not want to put yourself in the wrong. And make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one - and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do. I have seen that, too!

About the Author:

Dr. Noel Swanson specializes in helping parents with their children’s behaviors. To read more of his expert parenting advice go to his website and check out his hugely popular GOOD CHILD Guide manual, jammed full of extremely helpful parenting advice.